LetMeBeClear

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Langston Hughes

“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.”

Douglas Adams


Are you where you wanted to go, or are you where you needed to be?

Are they still the same place?

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.


Douglas Adams

I had commented on a friend's FB entry:

It started with:
B: Is pondering the increasing virtual exhibitionism in online fora.

B: I'm persona non grata there for life - I was rather observing a new trendy trend of people having to tell 25 facts or so about themselves ... ;-)

Me: My thought on this lately is that we are teaching ourselves not to have time for each other in person. The online gaming started all this, but was not personal enough. Then myspace shows up and now facebook and others became away to have a virtual social life. You learn more about a person face2face in 5 seconds. The 25 facts that others want to share just makes you feel closer to that person, that you might have gotten in that 5 second face2face you're chatting with. .... I think I am just rambling here.

ToMe: Not that I know anything at all about you but it sounds like you're getting old :-) Seriously, I agree with your points. Facebook, MySpace, etc., seem to be a huge outlet for narcisism . . .

Me: I am getting older with young kids :-) . But I would not put this in the category of narcissism. I don't think sharing the "25 things about me" is about promoting self love. I just think these social websites remove the face to face(F2F) contact we use to have before the social online networks. So the only way to get some of that back is to share ourselves with the "25 things about me" postings. otherwise how do i get to know more about you without the F2F. With that said, these social online networks do allow the shy to be more open....

Any thoughts here?

2 days ago I get a call from my brother that my mom has been in the hospital for 5 days. I had not heard from him for 2+ years (I think). I had visited him and his family and thought we might get a chance to get closer. Guess I was wrong or maybe it was just too much for both of us.

I have a brother and sister, they are 11 and 12 years younger than I am. When I was 14-17, I thought I hated them. They had to go everywhere I did. I was their mom and dad. I took care of them 80% of the time. You may ask where our parents were, they were there I think. These are parents that should have never had children, I think they thought we were a workforce for them to use. At 17 I stopped hating my brother and sister and stated to hate my parents. At 17 after HS, I was glad to escape them to go to college, which I never finished. I joined the USAF instead, because of other lies my parents told me and to get further away (5 years the first time).

When I went back to visit my "family" my brother and sister were pre-teens. Was the first time my father told me he was proud of me (it did take 6 pack and half before he got the courage). All I was thinking is "shut the fuck up", especially after he told my brother he should be more like me. That visit brought back so many memories of why I wanted to leave at 17. I had just got divorced and I guess I just wanted to be around family, even though it was a broken (emotionally). My mom would pick fights with my brother and dad and again I could could hear in my mind was "shut the fuck up". Then it happened, I said it out loud. Was the first time I ever spoke out to them. I could not stop. I said 'just leave him alone, quit picking on him. I came here to get away and rest, if you can't stop then I will leave." Surprisingly the rest of that visit was good. WOW.

So back to why my brother called. He called because no one else called to tell me that my mom was in the hospital. That she was being mental and cursing and yelling at everyone. Of course my thinking was... ah ok, how is that different than normal. It sounded like he just got there himself, did not know much, but that I should know. (thanks). But the sad thing is I am not sure that I really cared. Many thoughts racing through my head. "should i go or not go", "do i really want to go there". Not really.

Today I found out that she has Alzheimer's and thinks everyone one is out to get her. Funny I always thought she was out to get me or make me feel as bad or worse then she was feeling. Playing with my emotions, creating life time scars. She use to blame me, it was because of me she had to get married and move to the USA. Every time my parents would fight and my dad would leave for a few days she would go on and on about how it was my fault. I was just a child. (and again S t F U)

I am feeling SAD today because I want it to be all over. I never want to see my mother alive or see her dead. Actually I think my parents died along time ago. But then why am I feeling SAD today.

I hope that I am a better parent, in fact I know I am (now, ...thats for another time)

It is back to Walter again. I think this is kind of a hopeful poem especially from him. It is a nice one for starting the new year - in a world of wonders far away.

Dream Song

Sunlight, moonlight,
Twilight, starlight-
Gloaming at the close of day,
And an owl calling,
Cool dews falling
In a wood of oak and may.

Lantern-light, taper-light,
Torchlight, no-light:
Darkness at the shut of day,
And lions roaring,
Their wrath pouring
In wild waste places far away.

Elf-light, bat-light,
Touchwood-light and toad-light,
And the sea a shimmering gloom of grey,
And a small face smiling
In a dream's beguiling
In a world of wonders far away.

CC had her first classroom trauma. She has lived 8 years without this feeling. I am sorry that it found her. In class, her teacher was putting math problems on the board "for fun" they don't do math at her school. CC tried raising her hand for every problem and knew the answers to all the ones going up. The problems kept getting harder, and she kept raising her hand.

When she was finally called on, she got nervous. Her palms got sweaty. The problem was 55 - 36. She knew it needed borrowing, so she mentally removed one from the first digit, did that subtraction and wrote down a 1 on the tens place. Her face was flushed, she wasn't thinking. Everyone was staring at her, she added the second two digits together instead of subtracting, remembered she had already taken care of the tens place, and wrote down a 1. Her answer was 11. She looked back in time to realize her mistake, but before she could tell her teacher that it should be 19, (Here comes the worst part) the teacher said - "That's okay, You probably haven't gotten to that level yet."

Oh. The worst part is that the teacher thought she didn't know how to do it and felt sorry for her. Her tongue tied in knots, and she couldn't speak. We've all been the victim of our nerves. All I could do was hug her and tell her that she is human and it happens to us all. My poor baby. She kept raising her hand to try to redeem herself, but didn't get called on again.