Broken Family Ties Stops the Family Unity
2 days ago I get a call from my brother that my mom has been in the hospital for 5 days. I had not heard from him for 2+ years (I think). I had visited him and his family and thought we might get a chance to get closer. Guess I was wrong or maybe it was just too much for both of us.
I have a brother and sister, they are 11 and 12 years younger than I am. When I was 14-17, I thought I hated them. They had to go everywhere I did. I was their mom and dad. I took care of them 80% of the time. You may ask where our parents were, they were there I think. These are parents that should have never had children, I think they thought we were a workforce for them to use. At 17 I stopped hating my brother and sister and stated to hate my parents. At 17 after HS, I was glad to escape them to go to college, which I never finished. I joined the USAF instead, because of other lies my parents told me and to get further away (5 years the first time).
When I went back to visit my "family" my brother and sister were pre-teens. Was the first time my father told me he was proud of me (it did take 6 pack and half before he got the courage). All I was thinking is "shut the fuck up", especially after he told my brother he should be more like me. That visit brought back so many memories of why I wanted to leave at 17. I had just got divorced and I guess I just wanted to be around family, even though it was a broken (emotionally). My mom would pick fights with my brother and dad and again I could could hear in my mind was "shut the fuck up". Then it happened, I said it out loud. Was the first time I ever spoke out to them. I could not stop. I said 'just leave him alone, quit picking on him. I came here to get away and rest, if you can't stop then I will leave." Surprisingly the rest of that visit was good. WOW.
So back to why my brother called. He called because no one else called to tell me that my mom was in the hospital. That she was being mental and cursing and yelling at everyone. Of course my thinking was... ah ok, how is that different than normal. It sounded like he just got there himself, did not know much, but that I should know. (thanks). But the sad thing is I am not sure that I really cared. Many thoughts racing through my head. "should i go or not go", "do i really want to go there". Not really.
Today I found out that she has Alzheimer's and thinks everyone one is out to get her. Funny I always thought she was out to get me or make me feel as bad or worse then she was feeling. Playing with my emotions, creating life time scars. She use to blame me, it was because of me she had to get married and move to the USA. Every time my parents would fight and my dad would leave for a few days she would go on and on about how it was my fault. I was just a child. (and again S t F U)
I am feeling SAD today because I want it to be all over. I never want to see my mother alive or see her dead. Actually I think my parents died along time ago. But then why am I feeling SAD today.
I hope that I am a better parent, in fact I know I am (now, ...thats for another time)