LetMeBeClear

I am an insomniac. I didn't refill the prescription for the sleeping pills yet. If I take them every night for too long, then they don't work as well, and I am going to need them to work. Last week I slept without them at all - if you call that sleeping.

This week I switched to an herbal sleeping pill. It has me sleeping. Now I am dreaming. I think I know what is bothering me. Why I am curling up inside. Every night I dream about my son going to away. Twenty Three more days. He will take his one-way ticket and his student visa and get on a plane and not comeback until May. And that will just be for a visit. And that is not even definite.

I feel pressure to make this Christmas extra-special. But that goes against my nature. I have worked hard to make Christmas something that is not filled with fake happiness and real anxiety.

I feel pressure from people telling me how I should feel. I hate that.

I feel pressure from people who want to "remind me" of all the things that still need to get done before he goes. He needs to clean his room. He hasn't packed. He is going to be in for a shock when he has to start doing his own x.y.z. People who have never been anywhere or taken any BOLD steps are not allowed to criticize him and definitely not allowed to criticize him then say they are just trying to help.

I feel like the person in my life that I have known and loved for the longest is leaving me and I am happy for him and proud of him. BUT he is still leaving me and it still hurts. And yes of course, others love him. And he is just going to the other side of the world. And all of this makes rational sense to me.

Reason doesn't stop you from curling up into a little ball inside of yourself. Reason doesn't help you sleep at night. sleeping pills do.